Frequently Asked Questions

There are a few questions to consider about consent. Consent is a crucial element in judging whether or not a crime occurred. Consent can be taken away at any point, before or during any sexual act, and consenting to one sexual act does not cover as consent for others. Are the participants old enough to consent? Each state sets an “age of consent,” which is the minimum age someone must be to have sex. In Texas, the age of consent is 17 years of age. People below this age are considered children and cannot legally agree to have sex. In other words, even if the child or teenager says yes, the law says no. In most states, the age of consent is 16 or 18. In some states, the age of consent varies according to the age difference between the participants. Generally, “I thought she was 18” is not considered a legal excuse — it’s up to you to make sure your partner is old enough to legally take part. Do both people have the capacity to consent? States also define who has the mental and legal capacity to consent. Those with diminished capacity may not have the legal ability to agree to have sex. In Texas, one cannot consent to sex if they are: Under the age of 17 Under use or threat of physical violence or death Unconscious, unaware, or mentally incapacitated Under the influence of drugs Did both participants agree to take part? Did someone use physical force to make you have sexual contact with him/her? Has someone threatened you to make you have intercourse with them? If so, it is rape. The absence of a “no” is not the presence of a “yes.” If you proceed despite your partner’s expressed instruction to stop, you have not only violated basic codes of morality and decency, you may have also committed a crime under the laws of your state.

There are no set rules because every situation and every person is different. Here are some alternatives to consider. TALK - say anything that may allow you to escape (i.e. "I'm pregnant"; "I have VD"; "I have AIDS"; etc.) FIGHT - aim for sensitive parts of the body; groin, eyes, windpipe, kneecap. The first blow is very important and must be accurate. You may not have a second chance. SUBMIT - submitting is not the same as consenting, and it may be the only way to save your life; however, do not allow the rapist to tie you up. At that point, you will lose all your options to escape and may not be able to get the situation back into control. RUN - your main objective is to get away. Look for crowds, houses with lights on, a busy street, etc. REMEMBER - Violence is seldom far from the surface of a rapist's mixed-up mind. Rape is a crime of violence using sex as the weapon. If persuasion and resistance do not work, concentrate on identity: age, height, hair color, eye color, scars or birthmarks, clothes, car and license number. Personal protection articles carried in your purse are not easily accessible and can be used against you. Mace should not be used outdoors because the wind can cause it to blow into your face, not the face of the attacker. WHAT IF - consider circumstances and places that someone may try to attack you and play the "What if" game (i.e., what could you do to avoid an attack at the mall, in your home, in your car). Surprise and fear are two tactics rapists use to their advantage. By being aware at all times (not paranoid), you can eliminate these and remain in control when someone approaches you. Keeping your wits about you is the key during the first three minutes of an attack. Concentrate on the situation. If you scream, can anyone hear you? If you run, is there anywhere to hide?

AFTER A RAPE . . . Don't destroy evidence by bathing, douching, washing hands, brushing teeth, changing clothes or linens, eating or drinking. DO notify someone immediately. It may help you if a friend or neighbor goes with you to the hospital and police. DO seek medical attention in the ER of a local hospital. You need to have a rape exam even if you decide not to press charges. The exam is used to collect evidence (which will be needed if you later decide to prosecute) as well as assure you that you did not sustain injuries, which may not be visible yet (i.e., internal injuries, bruises). DO call police as soon as possible. Even if you don't want to file any charges, you can file an informational report that may help police locate your attacker and protect others. Most rapists are repeat offenders! DO take a change of clothes with you to the hospital. DO write down the details about the rapist and the circumstances of the rape as soon as possible. DO call the Rape & Suicide Crisis Center of Southeast Texas or your local rape crisis center if you need someone to talk to or answer questions or if you want someone from the center to accompany you to the hospital, police station, or courthouse. REACTIONS TO RAPE . . Rape can affect a victim in many ways. All of the following reactions are normal. Some of them should be expected. Anger - Shock - Disbelief - Suppression. Fear of being alone. Fear of crowds Fear of the return of the attacker Obsession with assault Fear of men Fear of husband/friends/family finding out Embarrassment / Guilt Disruption of normal sex life SERVICES OFFERED THROUGH THE CRISIS CENTER OF SOUTHEAST TEXAS (ALL SERVICES ARE FREE) 24-Hour hotline 24-Hour advocates to assist victims through hospital-police-court procedures Referrals to other professionals Free books for victims and their family/friends Information and speakers on topics related to sexual assault Training sessions for new volunteers Weekly survivor/victim support group meetings Individual support counseling by appointment Support groups for adolescents and their parents

The Law: Each state has and uses different definitions for “rape,” “sexual assault,” “sexual abuse,” and other similar terms. In Texas, sexual assault and rape are legally the same thing, though in law you will hear it referred to as sexual assault. Trigger Warning: Please note that the following definitions and explanations include graphic descriptions of sexual violence. Sexual assault is any penetration – be it oral, anal, or vaginal – with a sex organ or any object, by one person, against another without consent OR causes another person to contact or penetrate the mouth, anus or sexual organ of another person without their consent. . Specifically The Texas Penal Code states: Sec. 22.011. SEXUAL ASSAULT. (a) A person commits an offense if the person: intentionally or knowingly: (A) causes the penetration of the anus or sexual organ of another person by any means, without that person’s consent; (B) causes the penetration of the mouth of another person by the sexual organ of the actor, without that person’s consent; or (C) causes the sexual organ of another person, without that person’s consent, to contact or penetrate the mouth, anus, or sexual organ of another person, including the actor If you are not in Texas, please check the law in your state for a precise legal definition. Because laws are different in every state, it is important to find out the law in your state. You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE to find out more about the laws in your state. ​ Who Does Sexual Assault Happen To? Rape can happen to ANYONE! Rape victims who have contacted the Crisis Center of Southeast Texas have included women and men of all ages, ethnic groups, and income groups. So, no matter who you are or where you live, unfortunately, sexual assault CAN happen to you! Do I Have to Be Afraid of Being Attacked All The Time? No, but you do have to be realistic. Many rapists look for victims who are "easy marks". That means that they look for women and men who are not careful about avoiding dangerous situations. Since other people will not always be around to prevent a rapist from attacking you, you have to learn to protect yourself!

Sexual assault is a crime that is deeply misunderstood. It is a sexual expression of violence, not a violent expression of sex. Most people think that rapes are only committed by strangers lurking in the bushes who wait on their unsuspecting victims as they walk by. Actually, most rapes are committed by someone that the victim knows --- a relative, a date, a co-worker, an acquaintance, or a friend. It is essential that all victims have a tangible source of information available to them that can serve as a guide in the event that they will ever need it for themselves or a friend. This section was written to assist you, a survivor of sexual assault. It does this by providing you with the medical, legal, and counseling information that you need immediately following a sexual assault. This information should help you regain the control you feel you have just lost by allowing you to make your own decisions as soon as possible after an attack. This is an important step in your healing process and this information will help you accomplish it. Each of the following sections contains valuable information in three areas, which will be very important to you: MEDICAL ASSISTANCE LEGAL ASSISTANCE COUNSELING INFORMATION Each section should also provide you with a list of resources you can use to seek further help if necessary. MEDICAL ASSISTANCE EMERGENCY ROOM INFORMATION In order to prove sexual assault of an adult in court, there must be legal proof of vaginal, anal, or oral penetration by an actor without the victim's consent. This means that you should have a pelvic examination no later than 72 hours after the assault. The usual procedure that the hospital follows in aiding sexual assault survivors is to perform a rape kit examination for collection of evidence. There is a possibility of a lengthy wait before you can be seen. Often, however, the police may want to use this time to talk to you (if you're able). If you are not ready to talk to them, then you may prefer to talk to the rape crisis advocate who is notified by the hospital when you register and should arrive shortly after you. An advocate is a good person to talk to because they can answer any questions you have about what is about to happen. The advocate will also be there to listen to you and lend support. RAPE KIT When you are admitted to a room you will meet a nurse who will briefly explain the rape kit to you. Then, you will be asked to sign a statement of consent to perform the rape kit. If you have other questions about the rape kit, this is when you might want to ask the advocate to answer them for you. There are strict guidelines, which must be followed during the examination and collection for the rape kit. The evidence for the kit will be collected either by a nurse and a physician or a sexual assault nurse examiner who has been specifically trained to deal with sexual assault survivors. The nurse or examiner will then ask you some general questions about your health, followed by more specific questions about the assault. These facts will help the examiner to know what to look for during the exam. Then the examiner will perform an examination to collect medical evidence. When your assailant is found, he/she may undergo a similar exam to collect evidence. This will allow for a comparison of medical samples with the evidence they collected from you. It may also help to positively identify the person as your attacker. If you would like to know more about the purpose of each procedure performed during the rape kit exam, be sure to ask the examiner or the rape crisis advocate. They can answer any further questions you may have. During the rape kit exam, the doctor or nurse examiner will write down all signs of abrasions, bruising, cuts, concussion, and evidence of penetration on a special report form. If you notice any bruising following your rape kit examination, you may want to go for a follow-up visit with your doctor or have the bruises photographed by a friend. If the case goes to trial, photos and testimony of the doctor or nurse examiner will be very important. Another important issue that you need to consider is the expense of the rape kit. The rape kit exam will be paid by the law enforcement agency investigating the assault "if the survivor cooperates with the investigation." "Cooperation" could simply mean filing a report with the police department, or it could require you to press charges. If you are unsure about your circumstances, ask the attending officer. These costs can be over $400, and if you do not "cooperate" according to the department's standards, you will be obligated to pay all of those fees yourself. Any additional tests for pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases will be your own expense. You are encouraged to have a follow-up exam 2 - 4 weeks following the assault. LEGAL ASSISTANCE POLICE INVESTIGATION After the rape kit is completed, you will probably be interviewed by a detective from the attending police department. At this time, you will be asked to give a statement and you will be asked whether or not you want to press charges. Don't panic if you're still not sure what you want to do. Go ahead and allow the investigation to continue, if you feel comfortable doing so. This way, if you decide that you definitely want to press charges, and then the investigator will have as much evidence as possible. On the other hand, if you do not allow the investigation to continue, and you later want to press charges, it may be too late. The investigator's opportunities to collect evidence from the suspect or the crime scene will probably be gone. If you have any questions about anything that is happening, be sure to ask. The officer or the advocate from the rape crisis center should be able to answer these questions for you. OPTIONS FOR REPORTING THE ASSAULT As a victim of sexual assault, there are many legal considerations that you are suddenly going to be faced with. The first of these, reporting the assault, is a very important one because it determines what other legal issues will follow. Before you decide whether or not you want to report your assault to law enforcement, you should be aware that there are three different types of legal reports that you can choose to complete: 1. Crime Report 2. Pseudonym Report 3. Third Party Report 4. Other options for action CRIME REPORT You are the only one who can decide whether or not to make an initial crime report, and how to report the crime. If you decide to report the assault, the first step is to complete a crime report, which may be done before or after the physical exam in the emergency room. The officer may ask you personal questions and they may ask the same questions more than once. Try not to be offended by this. They are just trying to find out information in order to make a better case for you. Remember, it is not you who did these things, but the assailant. The information you provide is the basis for a legal proceeding and must be accurate. You have the right to read over everything that law enforcement officers write on forms and ask them to correct any misinformation. Be certain to get names, badge numbers and business telephone numbers of the officers. Many people find that they remember more details of the event a while after it has occurred. If you find that you have remembered something that you may not have told the officers, call them with the information. Also, do not worry if you remember details a little differently later on. This is not uncommon and should not hurt your case. Keep a journal and write down new information as you recall it so you can give that information to the investigator. PSEUDONYM REPORT A pseudonym report is the exact same report as a crime report, with one exception: a false name (pseudonym) is used in place of your own name. This option in reporting is designed to help maintain your privacy by protecting your identity. The false name that is chosen for you will be used on all legal and medical documents associated with the assault. THIRD PARTY REPORT If for any reason you choose not to file a formal crime or pseudonym report, you can also report information anonymously about your assault, and more importantly, about the assailant(s) to the police. This option is called third party or "Jane Doe" reporting. The sharing of this information benefits both you and the police. The police add the third party report information to the other data they have collected concerning sexual assaults and assailants. With third party reporting, you can give information to the police without pressing charges and going through a trial. You do not have to worry about the assailant finding out about your report, because no one will call or approach him as a result of it. Making this report can help you to re-establish some peace of mind. OTHER OPTIONS FOR ACTION The criminal process may not be sufficient to satisfy your needs for financial, physical, or mental compensation. In this case you may wish to pursue other alternatives that may be available to you. Two of these options, the Student Conflict Resolution Center at Texas A & M and civil suits can be explained by your rape crisis advocate. If the offender is not a Texas A&M student but attends a college or university, their school may have a student disciplinary process as an option. COUNSELING INFORMATION THE IMPORTANCE OF SUPPORT COUNSELING After you have experienced the trauma of sexual assault, you need to have someone who can listen to you, offer support, and provide you with information. There are two basic types of support counseling in which you may want to participate. The first of these is individual counseling with a professional counselor or support from a trained rape crisis center support advocate. The second is group counseling for sexual assault survivors. You may choose to seek help through these options separately, or you may prefer to participate in both forms of counseling at the same time. The important point is that you get involved in some sort of counseling as soon as possible. Just as there are no standard reactions that all rape survivors must experience, there is no set amount of time that you should remain in support counseling. The amount of time will vary for each survivor, depending on factors such as how soon after the attack you begin receiving counseling, what type of counseling you are participating in, and how effective your family and friends are in helping you to get through this emotionally trying time. Only you can know for sure when you have fully benefited from the counseling you have received and are ready to end your sessions. Your counselor can also help to advise you about when you should be able to stop receiving therapy. Finally you should keep in mind that counseling services will always be available to you. If you feel that you ended your sessions too soon, you can always continue them. Also for any occasional problem that may arise, an advocate on the rape crisis center hotline is available 24 hours a day.

People respond to an assault in different ways. Just because you didn't resist physically doesn't mean it wasn't rape — in fact, many victims make the good judgment that physical resistance would cause the attacker to become more violent. Lack of consent can be expressed (saying “no”) or it can be implied from the circumstances (for example, if you were under the statutory age of consent, or if you had a mental defect, or if you were afraid to object because the perpetrator threatened you with serious physical injury).

Phases of Rape Trauma SUMMARY Phase One, the Acute or Impact Stage, is when a victim exhibits signs of acute distress. How soon they tell someone, the reaction and support they receive from that person and their decision to tell family will determine them dealing with this stage normally. They should receive thorough medical exam, medical and legal counseling should be given to them, and they should be told the likely cycle of future phases and their feelings. Phase Two, the Repression or Outward Adjustment Stage, denial, suppression and rationalization replace shock and dismay. It is during stage this that a victim be reminded that when they need to talk and deal with their fears and feelings, that they need to contact a rape crisis center counselor and that Phase Three will probably follow. Phase Three, the Post-Traumatic or Resolution Stage, moderate to severe depression and the need to openly talk will come about. There are often daily memories of the rape. A victim may experience insomnia, nightmares and various physical symptoms. It is important that they are encouraged to express their emotions openly and begin to put an end to the nightmare. PHASE ONE - ACUTE OR IMPACT STAGE This stage is characterized by a rise in tension in response to stress. There is an increase in the level of tension and an increase in the feelings of being upset. At this point, the problem may be: (a) solved; (b) redefined in order to achieve needed satisfaction; or (c) avoided through needed resignation and relinquishment of goals. If the rape crisis is not solved, major disorganization may ensue. The rape victim may have general feelings of helplessness, state of confusion and inability to think clearly about how to evaluate reality. This first phase has been described as an acute reaction. In the first moments, hours and days immediately following the rape, the acute reaction may be in the form of shock, disbelief and dismay. A victim may be agitated, incoherent or in a highly volatile state. They may appear very stable and in control only to break down suddenly. This may begin when victims first realizes they must deal with the consequences of the rape, pressing charges, friends' attitudes, etc. How soon and to whom a victim tells about the rape provides an early clue about their own feelings of what happened to them and their role in it. This is why talking to someone is so important -- so they can help clarify feelings, help make decisions on reporting the rape and giving options for medical and legal assistance. There is usually a marked decrease in the victim's anxiety after discussing the incident with someone. If a victim seeks support, this phase usually resolves within a few weeks. They must be given informative support as well as support counseling to turn their non-specific anxiety into helping them concentrate on resolving problems created by the rape (i.e., whether or not to report, whether or not to press charges, whether or not to tell family or friends). This is why a rape crisis center plays such an important role during Phase One. A victim can be helped to consider alternative courses of action and their possible outcomes. A rape crisis center can help them notify family and accompany them to the police and the hospital emergency room for medical consultation and an exam. A victim is encouraged to consider how they will feel in a few weeks or months. Similar reactions of other survivors are discussed with them, and they are encouraged to seek counseling. Their fears, anger and depression are discussed. Their feelings are validated as being a normal reaction for them. PHASE TWO - REPRESSION OR OUTWARD ADJUSTMENT STAGE In this stage a victim goes about a lot of activity in an attempt to discharge the inner tension or anxiety they may be feeling without any additional work on working through their true feelings. They return to normal activity and subdue their anger and resentment and rationalize what has happened, while gaining little insight into their own, true feelings about the rape. After the immediate issues have been temporarily dealt with, a victim usually returns to their ordinary routine of life. This seeming adjustment is reassuring to those who have been involved with them during the crisis. They will usually announce during this phase that all is well and will break off any counseling they might have been receiving. It is during this stage that there is heavy denial and suppression. They deny the rape had a personal impact on them, and they concentrate on protecting the feelings of those close to them and their concern. It is important that they address their feelings about the rapist during this stage, but they usually subdue their feelings and go about their daily routine of life. They are usually very passive about the rape and their role in the assault, looking at it from a third party viewpoint. They have little interest in continuing to gain insight through treatment of any kind. PHASE THREE - POST-TRAUMATIC OR RESOLUTION STAGE This phase begins when a victim develops an inner sense of depression and feels the need to talk about their feelings and the situation. Concerns, which have been dealt with superficially or denied successfully, reappear for more comprehensive review. The depression that sets in during this stage is psychologically normal in most cases. In order to resolve feelings, a victim is encouraged to accept the rape and realize the impact it has had on their feelings and life. The "If only I hadn't" statements emerge. They must allow their anger at the rapist to emerge instead of shying away from their feelings of anger and disgust. This phase may begin with a specific incident such as the case going to trial soon, or if they realize they are unable to daily subdue fears and feelings as in Phase Two. They may find themselves thinking about the rape after seeing a person of the same race as the rapist, reading a magazine article or seeing a television show about rape or any unexplained situation. During this phase, a victim usually re-contacts their rape crisis center counselor to help them identify their surfacing fears and feelings or help to prepare them for trial.

At Home: Install dead bolt locks on all doors and trac locks on all windows. Call your local police department for free security assistance. List only your last name and initials in phone directories and on all mailboxes. Keep all doors locked at all times and install a peephole. Install new locks when moving into a new location. Never open the door to a stranger. Require identification from repairmen, policemen, salesmen, etc. Allow entry only if expected. Do not allow strangers to use your phone. Make the necessary call for them or direct them to a public phone. If a door or window has been forced open or broken while you were away, do not enter or call out. Use a neighbor's phone to call the police. When returning home, have your keys ready so you can enter easily and quickly. Keep curtains drawn after dark. Hang up immediately on obscene callers. Pretend to talk to someone in the room or pretend to tell the operator to trace the call before hanging up on the caller. Instruct children not to speak to strangers over the phone. On the Street: Walk quickly and against the traffic. Walk in open areas away from walls, shrubs, doorways, and alleys. If you suspect you're being followed, go to a safe place quickly and call for help. If a car pulls up next to you, run in the direction that the car came from. If the driver wants to follow you, the car will have to be turned around. Never hitchhike! In a Car: Keep doors locked at all times (when driving and after entering a parked car). Check the back seat and under the car before entering. Lock door immediately upon entering. Always park in an area that is well lighted. If someone approaches the car while you're stopped at a light, drive away quickly. When returning to your car, have the keys in your hand. If you have car trouble, signal for help by raising the hood or by tying a white handkerchief to the antenna. Remain inside the car with the doors locked until identified help arrives. Never pick up hitchhikers! If you are being followed, do not go to your home. Go to a police station or the nearest business. If you are being forced off the road by another car, do not stop. Do not be afraid to damage your car. Proceed to a business or police station as quickly as possible. Blow your horn for attention. At a Party or Nightclub: Don't leave your beverage unattended. If you have to go to the bathroom, take your beverage with you. Don't pick up a beverage after it has been left unattended while you were chatting or dancing. Don't accept a beverage someone has bought for you unless you watch it being made or you open the beverage yourself. Don't allow a stranger to take you home. Provide your own transportation. Attend with a group of friends and watch out for each other.

Consent must be… Fully informed. To be fully informed, consent must be based upon a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action. In order to give informed consent, the individual concerned must have adequate reasoning faculties and be in possession of all relevant facts at the time consent is given. Non-coercive. Cajoling, threatening, or otherwise trying to “convince” someone to engage in a sexual act with you is breaking consent. This means that asking 16 times, getting 15 No’s and 1 Yes, is still not adequately obtaining consent. Not fixed. After asking once for consent does NOT mean that you now have consent forever. It should be continuously negotiated, even (and especially) when you are in a committed relationship. Dynamic. Related to the above note, consent for one act does not necessitate consent for all acts. It should be re-addressed constantly for different acts. Conscious. Anyone who is inebriated, asleep, passed out or otherwise not fully coherent cannot consent, legally or otherwise. Unambiguous/Explicit. Many phrases that indicate doubt, such as “Maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “Not yet,” “Kinda,” “Wait a minute,” are not consent. One can assume they mean “no.” Not contingent upon sexual interest nor sexual arousal. Neither your interest NOR the expressed/implied interest of any potential partners is an invitation to any act. Also, neither your arousal nor the (assumed) arousal of anyone you might want to have sex with is an invitation. Not compensatory. Despite some assumptions, a nice dinner and a movie are not an invitation to have sex. Not something that requires a qualifier. No one needs to explain why they are not granting you consent. No is enough.

Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse—or an alibi. The key question is still whether or not you consented. Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of “nonconsensual,” please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)

It depends on the circumstances. If you didn't say no because you were legitimately scared for your life or safety, then it may be rape. Sometimes it isn't safe to resist, physically, or verbally: for example, when someone has a knife or gun to your head, or threatens you or your family if you say anything.

Rape can occur when the offender and the victim have a pre-existing relationship (sometimes called “date rape” or “acquaintance rape”), or even when the offender is the victim’s spouse. It does not matter whether the other person is an ex-boyfriend or a complete stranger, and it doesn't matter if you've had sex in the past.If it is nonconsensual this time, it is rape.

Rape can happen when the victim was unconscious or asleep. If you were asleep or unconscious, then you didn’t give consent. And if you didn’t give consent, then it is rape.

Recently there have been a number of reports of sexual assault in which drugs and/or other substances have been slipped into people's beverages. For centuries, rapists have used alcohol to sedate their victims. Today, they can use a wide variety of substances to commit crimes of assault. Clearly, substance-related rape poses unique difficulties for both survivors and for those trying to reduce their risk of assault. Rape crisis counselors and others involved with helping survivors of sexual assault need to be armed with information that may help survivors and also reduce the risk of this crime. The general advice provided here applies to sexual assault involving any substance. It is important to recognize, however, that different substances, when misused in this way, can produce very different health risks. EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF SUBSTANCE RELATED RAPE Rape survivors assaulted under the influence of a sedating substance will have additional issues that are likely to affect their recovery -- issues oftentimes involving their inability to recall the incident. Because survivors will have been heavily sedated, they may not have complete recall of the assault. It is likely that they will be uncertain about exactly what happened and who was involved. The "unknowns" may create tremendous anxiety as survivors are left to fill in the gaps with their imagination. This dynamic exacerbates the loss of control that most survivors feel and that they must overcome in their healing process. Survivors may not know the identity of their assailants, so added to their concerns is the question: "Whom should they fear?" While most survivors have fears regarding their perpetrator, someone assaulted under the influence of a sedating substance will have more generalized fear. They may find themselves looking at people in various settings wondering, "Is that the person that assaulted me?" Eventually, survivors must come to terms with the fact that they likely will never be able to fill in those missing pieces. The questions may remain unanswered. Coming to this resolution is not unlike the process experienced by adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse who have only partial recall of repressed memories. Additionally, the inability to recall important facts makes prosecution of these crimes extremely difficult. While law enforcement personnel are becoming more aware of the misuse of sedating substances and their effects on victims, there may continue to be some skepticism on the part of those unfamiliar, or inexperienced, in dealing with these types of crimes. REDUCING THE RISK OF SUBSTANCE-RELATED RAPE People can take a number of precautions to reduce their risks: 1. Do not leave beverages unattended. 2. Do not take any beverages, including alcohol, from someone you do not know well and trust. 3. At a bar or club, accept drinks only from the bartender, waiter or waitress. 4. At parties, do not accept open container drinks from anyone. 5. Be alert to the behavior of friends. Anyone appearing disproportionately inebriated in relation to the amount of alcohol they have consumed may be in danger. 6. Anyone who believes they have consumed a sedative-like substance should be driven to a hospital emergency room or should call 911 for an ambulance. Try to keep a sample of the beverage for analysis. ACTIONS TO TAKE IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN DRUGGED Someone who experiences dizziness, confusion or other sudden and unexplained symptoms after drinking a beverage should call a family member, friend, the police, a doctor, or 911 for help in getting them to a hospital emergency room. If someone believes they have been raped or sexually assaulted, they should: 1. Get to a safe place and call a rape crisis center if they want information or support. For a toll-free rape crisis hotline, survivors can call 1-800-793-2273 2. Determine whether or not they want to report to the police. If there is any chance they want to report the assault, they should not shower, bathe, douche, change clothes, or straighten up the area until the medical and legal evidence has been collected. 3. If they choose to report, they should first call the police and then go to the hospital to have the medical evidence collection (rape kit exam) done. 4. Go to a hospital, clinic, or private doctor for treatment of external and/or internal injuries, tests for pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and support services. 5. Request a urine test for the presence of sedating substances as soon as possible. The screening should test for Gamma Hydroxybutyrate (GHB), flunitrazepam (Rohypnol) and other drugs. Every hour matters. Chances of getting proof are best when the sample is obtained soon after the substance has been ingested. SEDATING SUBSTANCES For years, rape crisis centers have been dealing with substance-related rape, particularly those involving alcohol. But recent media coverage has focused largely on two sedating substances: Gamma Hydroxybutyrate (GHB), a central nervous system depressant that has been investigated as an anesthetic and for treatment of narcolepsy and alcoholism, and Rohypnol (flunitrazepam), a prescription sleeping medication available outside the United States. Although there has been considerable media attention on these two substances, it is important to recognize that many other substances can be misused to commit these crimes as well. In investigating any case of sexual assault, there is a need to fully explore the possibility that any number of substances may have been used. PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF SEDATING SUBSTANCES There are several telltale signs that an individual has been drugged. If an individual appears disproportionately inebriated in relation to the amount of alcohol they have consumed, they may have unknowingly ingested one of any number of substances. Sedating substances can temporarily inhibit a person's ability to remain awake and conscious. Someone who has been sedated may experience sudden and unexplained drowsiness and have trouble with motor coordination. Other possible effects include impaired judgment, disinhibition, dizziness, and confusion. Brief periods of impaired memory also may result from the misuse of sedating substances. This means the person who has been raped may not remember the details of what happened while under the drug's influence. Depending on the drug and the presence of other substances in the person's system, more dangerous side effects may occur. Even marginally increased doses of GHB have been reported to result in severe adverse effects. These include slowed heartbeat, decreased respiratory effort, unconsciousness, seizure-like activity, and coma. Such effects can appear within fifteen minutes of oral ingestion of the drug, and acute symptoms appear to decrease after three to four hours. As with most substances, health risks increase sharply when GHB is mixed with other drugs and/or alcohol. (G.P. Galloway, et al. Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate. CSAM News: Newsletter of the California Society of Addiction Medicine, Summer l996;23;1:1) FACTS ON ROHYPNOL Rohypnol is a medication that is prescribed by physicians in more than 64 countries for people with severe and debilitating sleep disorders. It also is used in a number of countries as a preanesthetic before surgery or other medical procedures. Rohypnol is manufactured in Europe, Asia, Pacific, and Latin America by the Swiss based pharmaceutical company F. Hoffmann-La Roche Ltd for medical use in those countries where it has been approved. Hoffmann La Roche never sought U.S Food and Drug Administration approval for Rohypnol in the United States. The medication therefore is not marketed in this country. Drug traffickers, however, are illegally smuggling Rohypnol into the United States from Mexico and South America and are selling it as a "street drug." Common street names for Rohypnol include Roofies, Roachies, La Rocha, the forget pill, and the date rape drug. On March 5, 1996, the U.S. Customs Service announced a ban on the importation of Rohypnol into the United States, which has begun to have a significant impact on reducing the illegal importation. As efforts to end the diversion of Rohypnol are being implemented, however, there have been reports that other substances, such as GHB, are being used similarly in sexual assault situations. As a sleeping medication, Rohypnol produces a sedating effect. This property can be enhanced by the dosage, the individual's sensitivity to the medication, and the presence of alcohol. Generally, Rohypnol's effects begin within 20 to 30 minutes of ingestion. The medication's strongest effects occur within one to two hours Rohypnol's overall sedating effects usually last six to eight hours following a 2 mg. dose. Impaired ability to remember details of events is more likely to occur with larger doses, and particularly when ingested with alcohol and/or other drugs or central nervous system depressants. As with many other drugs, Rohypnol becomes extremely dangerous when mixed with alcohol, narcotic drugs, and/or other central nervous system depressants. This combination is potentially life threatening and can be fatal. PROVING A SUBSTANCE-RELATED RAPE Anyone who thinks they have been drugged should ask the rape crisis center, the hospital emergency room, or the police to run a urine test as soon as possible. Most substances can be detected through appropriate drug testing. The findings of such tests can provide valuable evidence in a court of law if the rape survivor chooses to prosecute the case. Hoffman-La Roche has made available a drug testing service for cases of sexual assault in which Rohypnol is believed to be involved. The testing service is free of charge, and the urine sample is handled by an independent, National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)-approved laboratory that follows appropriate chain-of-custody procedures so the findings can be used by the rape survivor in court. Tests show that Rohypnol can be found in the urine for 72 hours after ingestion, and may be present even longer, depending on the person's metabolism and dose. Because the test results are returned by the laboratory to the rape crisis center, hospital or police department that submitted the sample, the strict confidentiality of the rape survivor's identity can be maintained. Rape survivors should be informed that the urine test for flunitrazepam also tests for the presence of other benzodiazepines (the family of compounds to which flunitrazepam belongs), as well as for marijuana, cocaine, and some opiates and barbiturates.

DATE RAPE FOLLOWS THE SAME MOTIVATION AS RAPE BY A STRANGER. It is an expression of anger, power, dominance and control; not sexual frustration. Some rapists prefer to know their victims. They are able to get closer to them or trap them in a vulnerable position without arousing alarm. They may also have access to certain information about them---whether they live alone, when they're alone, and their routines. The rapist gains the confidence and trust of his intended victim and manipulates it to isolate and violate her. The advantages of this type of assault for the offender include: her trust, reluctance on her part to practice caution for fear of offending him, and the information he possesses. All of these make the attack easier. One added disadvantage for the victim is that she is often unable to identify the extent of the danger until she is past a safety point. During the intrusion stage by an acquaintance rapist, he may use unwanted touches, uncomfortable looks or very personal conversation. At this stage, he is not usually threatening. He is testing the waters. During the desensitization stage, he senses that she is used to his intrusions, has dropped her guard, and has accepted his behavior as natural for him. She tries to push aside the sensation of uneasiness. At the point of the isolation stage, he has her alone. She may have been raised to be polite and accept the preferences of her date. She may not want to hurt his feelings. Suppression of her feelings and true fears may be something she has learned to do. Women who might otherwise react assertively to the same situation with a stranger may be quite passive with a date. SOME DANGER SIGNALS TO WATCH FOR: A man who doesn't listen or chooses to ignore your limits is not sensitive to your needs. This is a sign of a man for whom consent is not important in physical intimacy. If anger is a typical response when limits are set and is repeated, this may be a man who cannot allow women to counter him. The man may be a power tripper. Other signs include: Jealousy Blames others for his problems/feelings Possessiveness Cruelty to animals or children Verbal abuse Sudden mood changes Threats of violence Breaking objects Unrealistic expectations of himself and others Isolation of victim from resources Any force used during an argument. DATE RAPE MYTHS VS REALITIES Myth: It's not as bad if she knows him. Reality: It is no less traumatic, threatening or dangerous if she knows her attacker. It may cause deeper and longer lasting emotional and psychological effects due to the betrayal of trust and manipulation. Myth: If she doesn't report the attack, it isn't rape. Reality: Most victims of date rape don't report it since he most likely used coercion and manipulation rather than physical violence. She may have no outward signs of the abuse. She fears she will not be believed. Myth: If she didn't resist, it wasn't rape. Reality: She may not physically resist for a number of reasons--he catches her by surprise, she fears for her life or serious injury, or he is a friend and she doesn't want to hurt him. Texas law recognizes psychological coercion as a weapon and does not require resistance if she believes he can carry out his threats and she "earnestly resists" the attack. Myth: When she says "NO", she really means yes or maybe. Reality: She means "NO". This myth underlies the societal attitudes that perpetuates an atmosphere that allows and even encourages date rape. Myth: If he paid for dinner and a show, she owes him something in return. Reality: Rigid sex role stereotyping that still exists in dating situations puts unnecessary stress and rules for behavior on both the male and female. There is no excuse for forced sex. Myth: It's not rape if she is too drunk to give consent. Reality: In fact, because the legal definition of rape deals with "consent", sexual contact with someone too drunk to be capable of giving permission is technically a crime. WHO CAN DATE RAPE HAPPEN TO? Our teenage children, college women, men, or a woman who dates or socializes with male friends, ANYONE! WHERE CAN IT HAPPEN? At school, at home, in the car, at a party, ANYWHERE! The victims of date rape have been much overlooked and misrepresented by the system. It is the intention of the Crisis Center of Southeast Texas to bring attention to and clarity to this under reported and oversimplified type of abuse. The victim of an acquaintance rape suffers as much, if not more, trauma than the individual victimized by a stranger. Due to societal attitudes, the victim of acquaintance rape usually does not report the crime or seek help. Victims tend to feel ashamed, guilty, depressed, and angry with themselves. The trust and integrity of a relationship has been shattered. They feel betrayed by their own judgment. Victims may find themselves in the position of having to face their assailant again, particularly in school and work settings. LET SOMEONE ASSIST YOU THROUGH THE STAGES OF RECOVERY. HERE ARE SOME DATING TIPS TO REMEMBER: Find out as much as possible about your date, particularly if he is a blind date or someone you do not know well. Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a male whom you are not well acquainted. Know beforehand the exact plans for the evening, and make sure a parent or a friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Think carefully about leaving a party or gathering with a man you may not know well. If you do leave with someone, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Avoid out-of-the-way or secluded areas. Trust your instincts! If the situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of ways to remove yourself from the situation. Examine how you behave with men, especially those behaviors that could be misinterpreted. Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships with men. When you say NO, say it loudly and clearly and make sure he understands your resistance.

WHAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT? The Hill-Thomas case brought out the issue of Sexual Harassment. Which made men and women both question "What is Sexual Harassment?" Margie Harris an Attorney at Law, during a conference for Texas Association Against Sexual Assault broke sexual harassment into four general types. 1. "know it when we see it" - no disagreement of blatant harassment: - "sleep with me - if you want that job" - "sleep with me - or you'll lose the job" - "sleep with me - if you want that promotion" 2. the next tier of offensive conduct is physical contact: - touching - pinches on the buttocks - man putting his hands up women's shorts as they climb down a ladder, sticking his hand in a woman's blouse, forcing her up against a wall, or a table, and trying to kiss her, or fondle her - rape 3. sexual harassment that is less obviously unlawful: * suggestive comments "Hey baby, sure would like to go to bed with you" - whistles, leers, obscene gestures - even posters, calendars, "girly" magazines that are found all over the workplace 4. then, what should be called "gender-based harassment": - what academicians call Sex Role Spillover - the supervisors, co-workers cannot leave at the door their prejudicial attitudes towards women, the stereotypes - e.g. men who, in a social setting, treat women more as sexual objects than as peers and cannot leave that attitude behind at the employer's front door INFORMATION ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT Sexual harassment is a crime that impacts upon many, yet is rarely brought into public view. It is part of a continuum of sexism and sexual violence, which ranges from offensive comments and street harassment to sexual assault and rape-related murders. Sexual harassment is a form of gender-based discrimination in which women are victimized by those in positions of power through the misuse of social and economic resources; be it through the use of physical force or coercive manipulation. In 1986 the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that unwelcome sexual advances or other misconduct that create a "hostile environment" are sufficient to sustain claim of illegal sexual discrimination. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines on discrimination on account of sex read: 1604.11 Sexual Harassment Harassment on the basis of sex is a violation of Sec. 703 of Title VII (of the Civil Rights Act of 1964). Unwelcome advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute harassment when: 1) submission to such conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of an individual's employment decisions affecting such individuals; or 2) submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individuals; or 3) such conduct has the purpose or affect of unreasonably interfering with an individual's work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive working environment. MYTH vs. FACT Many of the misconceptions about sexual harassment in our society contribute to the perpetuation of this crime. These myths about sexual harassment must be replaced with the facts: MYTH: Sexual harassment does not happen, or does not happen very often. FACT: An October 1991 NY Times/CBS New poll revealed that 4 of 10 (38%) have experienced some form of sexual harassment in the workplace. MYTH: Women invite sexual harassment, in its many forms, through dress and/or behavior. FACT: Women do not invite any form of sexual violence. Sexual harassment is the abuse of power by the harasser with the intent of intimidating, humiliating and controlling the victim. MYTH: Women misinterpret the innocent of complimentary actions of men as sexual harassment and "make a big deal out of nothing". FACT: The October 1991 New York Times/CBS news poll found that 5 out of 10 men acknowledged that at some point on the job they have said or done something that could have been construed as sexual harassment by a woman colleague. FACT: The Department of Education's Women's Educational Equity Act Program estimates that 20-30% of female students experience sexual harassment while in college yet only 2-3% ever report the crime to anyone. Survivors of sexual harassment are reluctant to report due to fear of retaliation, self-blame, shame and lack of adequate assistance. MYTH: Women lie about being sexually harassed, especially for vindictive reasons aimed at attacking the accused. FACT: This myth carries with it the assumption that women are inherently devious and deceptive. Women do not lie about experiencing sexual violence; based on FBI estimates only 2% of sexual assaults are false reports. MYTH: Women, or men, who are sexually harassed are not really affected by the experience. FACT: Survivors of sexual harassment typically experience fear, anger, physical illness, feelings of helplessness or low self esteem as well as interference with job performance or educational pursuits. Recovering from the effects of sexual harassment is a slow healing process.

Seeing someone you care about in pain is difficult. After a sexual assault or sexual abuse, there are some important things you can do to help a survivor: You can listen. Listening is one of the most important ways you can support a survivor of sexual assault. Not all survivors will want to talk about it right away; some will, and some will need more time. Try to resist the urge to ask questions, and let the person you care about know that you will be ready when he/she is. You can believe. Survivors of sexual assault often worry that they will not be believed. If someone wants to talk with you about something as personal as sexual assault, it means that person trusts you. Try not to ask questions that sound like you don’t believe the story. In fact, tell the survivor directly, “I believe you.” When a survivor feels believed, you have helped begin his/her healing. You can let them make choices. Assault takes away a person’s feelings of power and control. Respecting a survivor’s choices helps that person get those feelings back. Making decisions is an important way to feel powerful. You can help the survivor get information and understand options, but a survivor needs to make his/her own decisions. You can empower the person you care about by supporting his/her decisions, even if you may not agree with them. You can get informed. Learn more about survivors’ common reactions to an assault. There are no “normal” reactions. If you know more, you can better understand and support the survivor. You can take care of yourself. You are an important person in the survivor’s life if that person chooses to tell you about his/her assault. Take care of yourself and your feelings so that you will be better able to help them. All services at Crisis Center of Southeast Texas are free, confidential, and available to you. The Crisis Center of Southeast Texas is here to help you. Our hotlines and counseling services are open to friends and family, and we can assist you with how to best support your loved ones. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do.

If the assault happened less than 96 hours ago, there is still a chance to collect DNA evidence. Call the police where the assault occurred. The police will escort you to the nearest hospital with a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) program or other appropriate facility if major trauma is involved. If the assault happened over 96 hours ago, the window for a forensic exam may have passed, but medical attention may still be an important step if you are experiencing bleeding, physical discomfort or any other abnormal symptoms. Although they cannot collect forensic evidence, you can still file a police case if you so desire.

Survivors of sexual violence may experience different reactions and emotional changes after an assault, some of which can be very intrusive and disruptive. It is very important to understand that there is no right or wrong way for survivors to respond to sexual violence. These responses include, but are not limited to: Guilt or self-blame No one deserves to be raped and it is never your fault – even if you were drinking, wearing sexy clothes, or if you agreed to some sexual activity, like kissing. Fear Loss of control Avoidance You may want to avoid anything that reminds you of the assault. Don’t let avoidance prevent you from getting help. Re-experiencing (flashbacks) Nightmares, flashbacks, or constantly thinking about what happened can disturb your concentration, your sleep, even your appetite. Mood swings Feelings from a sexual assault can be intense and overwhelming. Most survivors experience a lot of ups and downs in their healing process. Depression Numbness No feeling at all is a feeling that helps many survivors cope with the crisis of a rape. Anxiety Anger You might feel angry – at the person who hurt you, the world, yourself, and even people you love. Anger can be an important part of healing. Any one might experience all or none of the reactions mentioned above. Remember that a lack of visible reactions or physical injuries does not reflect the level of trauma a survivor may be experiencing. To speak to someone about any of these reactions, or about how you can help your loved one, we have trained hotline operators waiting to talk to you 24 hours a day, every day: (409)835-3355 or 1(800)793-2273 (7WE-CARE). They are also available to help online.

FAMILY MEMBERS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS The divorce rate among sexual assault survivors is extremely high. Often the significant other has grown up with preconceived notions (myths) about rape and cannot deal with the fact that someone else has "had" their spouse, even against the survivor's will. When the survivor has post-rape sexual problems, the significant other may interpret unwillingness or inability to have a normal sexual relationship as a rejection. Also, a sexual assault might bring other family problems to the surface. Advocates must address the problem of working with significant others of survivors. Significant others might make the situation more painful if not informed about what has happened. How does sexual assault affect people - either the primary or secondary victims of this crime? How can those closest to a survivor do "the right thing?" It is those closest to a survivor who will influence how well the recovery process proceeds. People who have been sexually assaulted may not react to the sexual aspects of the crime, but instead react to the terror and fear experienced. One reaction of the survivor could be, "I could have been killed." One way to explain this feeling is to ask the significant other to remember or imagine a situation in which they felt powerless and afraid. Ask them if they felt alone, fearful, and needing comfort. The goal of crisis intervention with relatives and close friends is twofold: First, to assist with their own feelings about sexual assault and the effect it might have in their relationship with the survivor. Second, to assist the family and friends in giving support. Sexual assault is an emotionally charged situation surrounding the family immediately after the rape. Some of the reactions you might expect from friends and will include (but is not limited to): Distress that the survivor has been injured Anger at the offender that might be taken out on the survivor Anger that the survivor didn't "fight harder" Anger that the person hadn't been "careful" enough Feelings of revenge on the offender Feelings of guilt that they were not there to protect the survivor Sense of loss for themselves for the survivor or for the family ​ Listen to what the partner, father, and other family members are saying. As they express their feelings they will be better able to help the survivor express theirs. Provide accurate information and encouragement - give them permission to react to this crisis, also. Friends and family may have a difficult time talking about sexual assault. The advocate can be a safe place to discuss their concerns and vent their feelings. When you've had a chance to listen to what has been said, you can give the family some concrete information about what the sexual assault represents to the survivor. First, the significant other and family should know that the threat of death or injury was uppermost in her/his mind - not the sexual episode. Second, you should try to dispel myths about rape that the family may have grown up with, i.e., "If she didn't fight back, she must have wanted it." The third thing you want to stress is that, since this is a mutual crisis, they should support one another. The family can support their loved one by providing a place to share feelings without condemnation and by assisting in mobilizing the survivor's coping skills. The survivor should be allowed, not forced to express their emotions. Questions about how they feel now and what bothers them the most are useful. They are not threatening and should allow them to talk about the most immediate concerns. Remember, too, the survivor wants to talk about other things. Often the sexual assault may leave them concentrating on other problems and it is important to talk about these. Probably the most practical suggestion is that you communicate your own willingness to let the survivor talk. Because of your closeness to them, the survivor may be more sensitive to your feelings. If you are distressed, it may be impossible to talk to you. They may also try to protect you. In these and other cases, where they really will not be able to talk to you, encourage speaking with someone trusted. Remember that the sexual assault has brought up feelings of powerlessness. Encouraging them to talk to whom they want, when they want, is more helpful than feeling it is necessary to talk to you. In the case of a virgin, female support may seem most important. It is a good time to discuss the pleasure involved in sex, as well as to reassert the person's right to decide when and with whom to have sex. If the family has strong religious convictions, they might have trouble dealing with the "sin" aspect of the sexual assault. The survivor may feel as though they committed the sin. If the family agrees with or promotes this idea, the psychological ramifications could be tremendous. The thing to remember here is the Bible deals with sexual sin in terms of agreement of both parties to the act. Rape is mentioned in the Bible as something which is abhorrent to God and is punished; here, the rapist must take the responsibility for these actions. This crisis is very much akin to the grieving process associated with the loss of a loved one. The survivor must be allowed to grieve - it will lead to eventual healing, and the healing of the family. If the family tries to get the survivor to forget it or deny it by shrouding the incident and feelings in silence, they only force them to bury it more deeply. This can cause problems for years afterward. Overprotecting the wounded loved one can be just as harmful as denying the crime. If they constantly try to insulate the survivor from hurt, they keep them from confronting feelings. Keeping the survivor in a thrice locked gilded cage and taking away car keys is not the answer, either. Survivors must live in this world when their "protectors" are no longer there. They must be allowed to regain control of all of their life. The advocate's key roles in intervention with the families and partners of survivors should be educational in nature. Explain the inherently violent nature of sexual assault as a crime, helping family members to understand that the survivor's experience has been more of a life threatening one than a sexual episode. Prepare the family for the predictable psychological and physiological consequences of the sexual assault. Help the family to understand that they are most productive when they assist the survivor in mobilizing their own best coping abilities as an autonomous adult rather than a sheltered child. Explain to the family how to provide an accepting and safe environment into which the survivor can release troubling thoughts and feelings without fear of condemnation or critical response. Discuss any sexual indifference by a partner toward the survivor. Help the partner to identify the components of change in feelings and see the congruity of the feelings. Discuss any sexual incompatibility or indifference before the assault. Encourage both partners to discuss this fact and not to blame the sexual assault for pre-existing problems. Helpful Do's and Don'ts for the Advocate Don't be openly critical. This can cause defensiveness and anger. It can cause the family to stop talking with you and thereby: Decrease useful venting, and Render you powerless to help. Do focus supportively on the partner's injury - be aware and let them know you are aware that they have suffered a loss. Do let them know that although it is like grief, it need not be permanently debilitating. They will never forget it, but they can go on. Do encourage significant others to support one another. Do give any information and support you can. Do let them know you care. Do offer a male counselor for male survivors or male family members if available and requested. Options Available to Family and Significant Others. Strengthening the survivor's resources against harm. Counseling and gynecological services. Support groups. Physical relocation and family protection. Cooperation with the criminal justice system. Avoidance Behavior Distraction Conspiracy of silence Attacking Behavior Retribution fantasies. Blaming the survivor. Displacement of anger on to would-be helpers. Inaction to avail oneself of counseling. ASSISTING THE SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVOR FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS Let the survivor know you're willing to listen. Because of the nature of the crime, it's sometimes difficult to talk about it. Be a good listener. Allow them to "talk it out" if they want to - to you or to someone else. Let them know you care and that it's important to you that they feel safe again. Allow them to make decisions and take control of their lives at their own pace. The rapist just took that control away. You may help make decisions but don't overprotect. Be stable and secure for them. They will need reassurances that they are still the same person, not "dirty" or "ruined". In general, a male survivor may be more controlled in his response to the crisis and less inclined to talk about it. Encourage him to talk, but don't force him. Be supportive. Be open when he wants to talk. Everyone reacts differently in a crisis situation. However the survivor is reacting to this crisis is right for them.

Road to Recovery for Adults Molested as Children ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ASSAULT or INCEST There are 2 categories into which you, as an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault will fall: you were molested by a family member, someone in a parental/authoritative role or you were assaulted by a stranger. Whatever the case may be, one thing is certain, you have a long and very difficult road to recovery ahead of you. This violation of one's most personal boundary, especially during the developmental stages of childhood, can have very long-lasting and devastating effects on your childhood growth, physically, emotionally and mentally. This is why you may have never known, or have completely forgotten how to express any emotions except sadness or hopelessness. In cases where the perpetrator was someone in a parental or authoritative role, the fact that this intrusion upon your sexual boundaries came from someone who was supposed to love, protect and/or nurture you, can be a very frightening realization. Even to allow yourself to fully understand this means also to know how completely powerless you were. Thus, you may try to eliminate every memory of the assault because it is a shame it seems you cannot bear. To know how tremendous the problem of sexual assault among children is, let's examine the statistics. According to a report from the National Victim Center and Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center in 1992, six out of ten of all rape cases occurred before survivors reached the age of 18. In other words more than 61% of our adult population has experienced some form of sexual assault as a child. In order to discuss the ramifications of childhood sexual assault, it necessitates a thorough understanding of the issues involved. Although many of them run parallel to those of the survivor who is sexually assaulted as an adult, certain issues such as trust, self-esteem and forgiveness go even deeper. SETTING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES You may have difficulty with setting limits and boundaries. Past experiences have given you little hope of ever having any control over what happens to you. During the recovery process there is a need to understand that you are no longer the child who was powerless to stop the abuse perpetrated on you by the adults in your life. Not only do you have more power now, but you also have the right to say what happens to you. You have the right to choose your sexual partners, and you have the right to make any other decisions that affect your life. MEMORIES & FLASHBACKS You may experience the constant and repetitious return of certain memories surrounding your assault. They can be very disruptive, constantly reminding you of what happened. A flashback is the sudden occurrence of a visual image of the assault. It returns with all of the emotions and feelings experienced at that particular time and can be very frightening. Both the memories and flashbacks may have been triggered by a familiar face, place, certain sound, smell, etc. The important thing is for you to realize that they are only pictures and recollections of what has already happened, not of what is going to happen, or what is happening to you now. The perpetrator(s) can no longer hurt you in that way again. Often, the mind will not allow a memory to surface until you are at a place where you can deal with it. This could mean that you are at a place where you feel both emotionally and physically safe or you now have access to a support system when the memories become overwhelming. Once you realize that you have control over these memories/flashbacks, and that you can actually choose when to think about them and when not to, the memories lose their power and you are able to get on with your life. ANGER Although this is one of the most common issues that you have to deal with following a sexual assault, it is also the most difficult emotion to get in touch with. As a survivor who was abused as a child, perhaps you spent many years covering up real feelings and emotions. Your anger was powerless and had little or no effect on the actions of the perpetrators in your life, so you learned how to suppress your anger. Or you may have been too young to know that what was happening to you was wrong. The healing process involves helping you get in touch with your feelings of anger. The anger felt toward your perpetrator(s), toward the adults who should have protected you and didn't, and the anger that arises from self-blame needs to be acknowledged and experienced. It involves helping you to understand that you have the right to feel angry about what happened and that there is nothing wrong with expressing your anger in positive ways. Unexpressed anger may lead to depression. Healthy expressions of anger free you to move beyond it. Seeing a therapist, keeping a journal of your thoughts, or talking to someone you trust enables the anger to move from the inside to the outside so that it can be dealt with effectively. Remember it is an issue that is bound to come up sooner or later and it is only after working through the anger that you are able to really let go and move on. GRIEVING/MOURNING Being abused as a child means experiencing the loss of many things. First there's the loss of childhood experiences. Carefree, happy, nurtured, protected and unencumbered by serious things: this is what life should have been like as a child. How could you be carefree when you were carrying a secret as big as being sexually assaulted by a family member on your shoulders? As an adult molested as a child , it you may find it difficult to let your guard down and experience happiness, for fear of losing control. There is also a loss of innocence that is experienced. Since incest involves parents and/or other family members, there is a loss of trust. The very people who were supposed to nurture and protect you were the abusers. There is a loss of a normal relationship with a parent, a loss of childhood memories, and a loss of the right to choose your first sexual partner when you are old enough. The list goes on and on. However, now the time has come to name these losses, grieve over them, and bury them once and for all. This may mean having some sort of ritual where they are finally put to rest. All losses need to be mourned just as we mourn for our loved ones when they die. This helps to bring the grieving to closure. GUILT, SHAME & BLAME Part of the healing process is reminding yourself that a child can never be responsible for being sexually abused. Adults are responsible for protecting and nurturing any child that is placed in their custody. All of the blame needs to be placed firmly where it belongs, with the perpetrator. You need to understand that although these people are your parents and/or others who were in positions of authority, they were adults who abused their positions of authority and need to be held accountable. As an adult molested as a child you may carry a lot of guilt because you did not try to stop it. It is up to the adult to know better. A child should not be expected to know the difference. Children often actively seek the affection of an adult and will sometimes accept any show of affection as an affirmation that they are loved. Although you may accept the fact that it was not your fault and that you did not do anything to cause the abuse, it sometimes takes a little while longer for your sense of shame to subside. Society goes a long way in perpetuating it. Survivors are blamed or disbelieved so much after making the decision to disclose, that few want to come forward. Unfortunately, the secrecy continues to clothe the incident in shame. It is only in breaking the silence that the shame begins to dissipate. The more you talk about the abuse, the less shameful it becomes and the more empowered you become to move forward in recovery. TRUST As discussed earlier, learning to trust again is very difficult. You entered this world as an innocent child, a child who should have experienced nurturing and protection in a caring and loving environment. Instead, you became the recipient of pain and suffering, shame, and guilt at the hands of family members who abused you. You became the little prisoner and sexual toy of an adult. Perhaps you grew up in an unsafe environment. One or more adults in your life may have been manipulative or insensitive. Therefore, you had no reason to believe that others in your life would be any different. So you became unwilling to take the risk of being deceived again. If you cannot trust the people in your most immediate environment, how do you step out of that space to begin to trust others? This is the dilemma that is difficult to overcome. It is the fear of trusting others, of being hurt and experiencing that pain all over again that makes this so difficult. You may go from one extreme to another, not trusting at all or trusting too much. This is where setting limits and boundaries become very important. First, let yourself know that as an adult you have the right to choose the people with whom you want to begin a relationship. You are not the same child that had no control or power in your past familial relationships. Also remind yourself that trust does not come automatically, it has to be earned. It is permissible for you to test the person with whom you want to develop a relationship by asking them to do small favors to see if they can be trusted. It is also permissible to go back to not trusting someone if that trust is violated. The important thing is for you to take one step at a time and allow yourself to take whatever time is needed to learn or regain the ability to trust. COPING SKILLS You develop many different coping skills to help you deal with trauma. Some of them are healthy and some of them are not; however, all of them are very important because they enabled you to survive whatever you were going through. These were the skills that worked, and you often did not know any others to use. Part of recovery is recognizing those coping skills that are not healthy and replacing them with healthier ones. When examining past coping mechanisms it is important that you forgive yourself for any coping skills used that were not healthy. Once again, these skills served a purpose and fulfilled a need at that time. For instance, you may have developed a habit of drinking excessively whenever any memories of your childhood sexual abuse arose. This behavior was repeated again and again, and was a way for you to anesthetize your feelings so you didn't have to re-experience the pain that returns with the memories. When you allow yourself to go through the feelings and emotions of a childhood sexual assault, help and healing comes much faster. You can do this in a safe environment where you can receive the support and information needed. As an adult survivor, these coping mechanisms helped carry you through a painful childhood all the way into adulthood. It is important that you give yourself enough time to learn and develop new and healthier skills to cope in the future. SELF-ESTEEM & ISOLATION Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault, you may have a problem with issues of self-esteem. This is a result of hearing all the negative messages from your perpetrators while being abused, as well as feeling that you were somehow responsible. As soon as you realize that being abused was not your fault and that 100% of the responsibility for what happened belongs to the perpetrator, the quicker you can move beyond this false perception of yourself. Those negative messages might have completely obliterated any positive image you may have had of yourself. Statements such as: "You are a bad girl," "You were a little tease," and "You made me do this to you," etc., reinforced the idea that you were to blame for what happened. A child that grows up with the shame and embarrassment that somehow they caused a family member to sexually violate them is too young to understand that a child can never be responsible for being sexually abused. You carry this burden for years, your self-image plummets, and it takes time and lots of work to heal from your perpetrator's lies. The recovery process begins by reaffirming your role as a survivor of a very traumatic experience. What happened, happened to you. You did not ask for it or cause it to happen in any way. You need to know that your feelings and emotions are normal reactions to what happened. You have the right to feel your feelings and to be able to express them in a healthy, safe environment. Also, no one has the right to tell you when you should or should not be "over this." There are people who do care and agencies where you can go to receive the support and information you need. There is no time limit for the recovery process. You can begin taking care of yourself by first acknowledging and celebrating your successes, no matter how small. Looking back and remembering how other traumatic events were dealt with in the past and comparing them to present coping skills used, will enable you to see what progress has been made. Remember that as an adult you have more power and control over what happens to you. You also have the right to do what's good for yourself. You can set boundaries and say "NO," and you have the right to be respected for that "NO." Find ways of affirming how important you are. This could begin by making a list of ways to nurture yourself and referring to that list whenever there is the need to feel more relaxed, calm, cared for or centered. INTIMACY Because intimacy is such a close bond between two people, you may have a hard time establishing a bond. Entering into a close relationship with another person involves trust, respect, love and the ability to share. You may often flee from intimacy. Sometimes you may hold on too tightly for fear of losing your relationship. Both reactions are a result of having been sexually abused as a child. In incest cases, the trust you so innocently gave was violated, your personal boundaries were not respected, and you never felt the love and caring that comes from growing up in a normal family environment. You need to understand that you can develop the skills necessary to learn how to be intimate with someone else. It just takes time. It is always risky to open up and allow yourself to enter into a relationship with another person. True, you may experience hurt or disappointment; however, it will not destroy you. You can assess what happened, learn from it and move on. No one can predict or control another's behavior; however, you can develop skills that will better prepare yourself for entering new relationships. This is one of the goals of the healing work that needs to be done. SEXUALITY The very nature of the assault has a tremendous impact on you as far as sexuality issues are concerned. First of all, as an adult who has been sexually assaulted as a child, you have to deal with the fact that your first initiation into sex came as a result of sexual abuse, perhaps at an age when you could not even verbalize what was happening to you. Yet your body, which remembers perfectly, stored those painful memories for years. As a result, you may experience the return of body memories while engaged in a sexual activity with another person. This can be frightening, especially when the source of these memories is not readily available. It can also be frustrating as it may inhibit you from participating in any type of sexual act with your partner. Sexuality Truths Anyone has a right to say "NO" when they don't want to be touched or engage in sexual activity. People are not objects to be used as pleasure tools for other people. We are all individuals with equal rights. What we do to our own bodies is our business and should not be dictated by another. No one ever has a right to abuse another person. Men and women have equal responsibility during sexual activity. Women have the same sexual rights as men for self-experimentation and self-exploration Women and men both have the same sexual right to be assertive. Women and men have the same freedoms to be sexually active and to receive pleasure from sex. You need to understand that your partner and the perpetrator (s) are two different people. The memories and flashbacks are just that, images of something that has already happened and not predictions of what is going to happen. FORGIVENESS The important thing to know about forgiveness is that there is no rule that says that you must forgive the perpetrator in order to heal and recover. This decision is entirely up to you. What is important is that you understand that sometimes not forgiving may become so encompassing that it grips you like a vise, bombarding you every moment with thoughts of ways to get revenge. This is very damaging. It serves no purpose and can end up being very self-destructive. Anger is a valid reaction to the abuse; however, there are ways, as was discussed earlier, of expressing it in a safe and non-threatening manner. You may decide that you are not ready to forgive the perpetrator. This is permissible as long as you do not allow "not forgiving" to become like a canker sore, eating away at you. Forgiveness may mean just learning how to "let go." The key is for you, first of all, to forgive yourself.

The Crisis Center of Southeast Texas provides case management services and works closely with other community organizations to locate and refer resources to survivors of sexual assault. For more information about how we can help you, call our hotline (800)793-2273.

For individuals over the age of 18 who arrive in the 96 hour window, please note that there is a Non-Report option. This option does not involve the police in any way. Victims who choose this options are able to complete the medical exam and the forensic evidence exam with a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. The evidence potentially collected in the forensic evidence exam will be stored for 2 years, in case the victim decides to make a corresponding police report. For minors (anyone younger than 18) who have been sexually assaulted, the incident MUST be reported to law enforcement under Texas’ mandatory reporting laws. If you are a survivor who is under 18, over 60, or disabled, it is important to understand the hospital’s mandated reporting requirements. Please call the hotline (800) 793-2273 to find out more.

ASSISTING THE SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVOR FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS Let the survivor know you're willing to listen. Because of the nature of the crime, it's sometimes difficult to talk about it. Be a good listener. Allow them to "talk it out" if they want to - to you or to someone else. Let them know you care and that it's important to you that they feel safe again. Allow them to make decisions and take control of their lives at their own pace. The rapist just took that control away. You may help make decisions but don't overprotect. Be stable and secure for them. They will need reassurances that they are still the same person, not "dirty" or "ruined". In general, a male survivor may be more controlled in his response to the crisis and less inclined to talk about it. Encourage him to talk, but don't force him. Be supportive. Be open when he wants to talk. Everyone reacts differently in a crisis situation. However the survivor is reacting to this crisis is right for them. WHEN THE SILENCE IS BROKEN (A guide for men who love and live with women who were sexually abused as children) Charles E. Harris, M. Div., CSW-ACP For the women who have trusted me with their stories, and the men they love. Introduction At some point in time you decided to share your life with someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. You may have talked with your partner about this information from the beginning, or it may have surfaced only recently. Regardless of when you became aware of the abuse part of her past, at some level of your being you have probably known all along. You may not have known that you knew, but you knew. This kind of knowledge is difficult to respond to because it is based on feelings and subtle intuition rather than factual information. Yet, even when the information becomes specific, not many people know what to do. This pamphlet has been prepared as an aid to those who love and live with former victims of sexual abuse. It is written with the male partner in mind since the vast majority of my clients have been female, but I am not unaware that many men were also abused as children. I am also aware that some women may be in a gay relationship. If the information herein is helpful also to female partners, I am grateful. Be Informed There is no substitute for accurate information. The problem of sexual abuse, especially when it is incest, carries such an emotional impact that many people do not want to think or talk about it. Even some therapists shy away from the specifics and the intense emotional expressions that accompany them. As a result, most of us tend to respond to sexual abuse situations out of ignorance and emotion. When we do this, we only make matters more difficult for everyone involved. If you are going to function in a supportive way to the woman in your life who has been abused, then you have a responsibility to learn as much as you can about sexual abuse. Part of her struggle over the years has been that she had to live alone with a painful secret because she felt there was no one to whom she could turn. She may have even been given misinformation as a child in order to intimidate and control her, e.g., "Your mother would just die if she knew about this." When she finally shared her secret with someone, chances are she wasn't believed or, if she was believed, she may have been blamed for her own victimization. Along with the guilt, shame, fear, betrayed trust, and rage she couldn't show, she now has to deal with confusion. She couldn't trust her own thoughts and feelings, her own sense of reality. For her to feel your support she needs to know you believe her and that you care enough to be informed. This means some reading on your part. A brief reading list can be found at the end of this pamphlet. Your community may offer support groups for spouses of sexual abuse victims. Check with your local Mental Health Association for this information. Treatment May be Lengthy Some human behavior problems respond to brief therapy. You have a few sessions with the therapist, you make the changes you want, and you're feeling better fairly quickly. On the whole, this is not true for people who were sexually abused as children. Several factors need to be considered: the specific nature of the abuse, the age of the girl when it occurred; how long it went on and how long she carried the secret; how significant people in her life responded when she told how she perceived the situation, etc. As you can see, the involvement is complicated. This kind of entanglement usually takes time to unravel. While there is no way specifically to predict an exact amount of time, I usually tell my clients to count on six months to two years, maybe longer. This may sound like a long time to you, but remember that the woman you care about has had many years of coping with this problem alone. She won't be able to just lay it down and walk away. There may even be times, years into the future, when old memories and feelings resurface and she will need help and support. She'll need you to stand by her through the ups and downs of her growth. Deep wounds take time to heal. Understand Your Responsibility When we are victimized by a certain situation or type of person, we tend to generalize the experience and be wary of all similar circumstances or people. This is especially true of children who have been sexually abused. Normally this generalized fear carries over into adulthood. Since the vast majority of sexual abusers are male (one resource says over 90% are male) you already fall into the category of an abuser. This, of course, doesn't make you one, but the little girl part of your wife or girlfriend may not know the difference. To that little girl you may represent the source of a lot of unresolved pain. Adults who have been abused as children often replicate an abusive situation in their adult relationships. At times you may be treated by her as though you have been abusive. Indeed, you may even feel provoked into saying or doing abusive things. It is important for you to maintain your perspective and not be "hooked" into playing out the role that has been cast for you by her childhood perpetrator. You are not responsible for what happened to the woman in your life when she was a child. You can't help her forget it or undo it. You are responsible for how you relate to her now. Every relationship has its own peculiar problems to be worked through. Your wife is learning to know the difference between her perpetrator(s) and you. If you have not been abusive, then you need not feel guilty for those times when that difference becomes fuzzy to her. If you have been abusive in any way (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual), then you need to admit it, stop it, and get help for yourself. From time to time she will have feelings and memories surface that are not necessarily related to you. Even if she knows the difference, she may be unable for a period of time to keep those feelings and memories from affecting her relationship with you. You will need to recognize this as a part of her healing process (if she is in treatment) and learn to be supportive and patient. Develop Your Communication Skills Several years ago an expert in the art of communication wrote, "dialogue is to love what blood is to the body" (Reuel Howe, The Miracle of Dialogue). Relationships begin with some kind of attraction and mutual interest. They can only be sustained over the years, however, by effective communication. It is therefore important that you learn and practice clear, direct ways of communicating your feelings so that relationship problems can be dealt with as they arise. Your spouse's experience as a child probably included not only a breakdown in communications in her family, but also a suppression of clear, honest expression of thoughts and feelings. In order to protect her "secret" she most likely had to guard against revealing any thoughts or feelings even remotely related to the secret. This natural protective response in her helped her through her childhood, but at the expense of having a lot of emotional "unfinished business" from the past. Communicating is a major skill necessary for resolving life's daily problems. When people don't have that skill or are not allowed to use it, then unresolved daily problems tend to collect into an emotional slush fund that interferes with future relationships. This is true for all people, not just sexual abuse victims. It is this slush fund of unfinished emotional pain that drains relationships of their lifeblood. The only way to restore life to the relationship is a transfusion of good communication. There may be a lot of emotional pain in this process, but it is necessary if healing is to take place. There will be times when your behavior triggers some of her pain from the past. What you may not realize is that the reverse is also true. Some things she does may also stir up in you feelings from years ago you thought you had forgotten. Only effective communication will get you through these times. Begin To View Your Relationship As A System In your relationship, each of you initiates and each of you responds. Each of you impacts the other with his or her behavior. Each of you brings a certain amount of unfinished business to the partnership. The specific nature of the material from the past may differ widely. Its similarity is that it is all "unfinished" and, therefore, affects your behavior in the relationship. If you can begin to accept that your past experience coupled with your present behavior plays a dynamic role in your relationship, you will be doing a valuable service to both you and your wife. For yourself, you will be seeing the world from a more realistic perspective. The service to your wife may help ease the blame she has felt for a long time. Most sexual abuse victims believe (as children) that they are to blame for their abuse. They reason, falsely of course, that as a child they should have been able to do something to stop what the adult was doing to them. When this self-blame is not corrected, these women tend to believe that any problem in adult relationships is all their fault, too. You, owning your part of the relationship will help the woman in your life absolve herself of the false guilt she has carried for so long and will enable her to see her part in this relationship more clearly. Sexual Problems Problems of sexual function are common for sexual abuse victims, especially while they are working through their past trauma. The sexual problems of victims usually take the form of one of two extremes. They may either totally close themselves off as a sexual being, or they may become very active sexually to the point of promiscuity. Each response is understandable, considering the dynamics of sexual abuse. The person who shuts down sexually is probably doing so in order to eliminate, or at least minimize, the emotional pain associated with her abuse. This withdrawal may be limited to only lovemaking and intercourse, or it may include any form of physical contact or affection from another person perceived as threatening. Some learn to "do their duty" for their partners, but usually with little or no personal pleasure and a lot of resentment. The person who reacts toward the extreme that she becomes so sexually active she harms herself and her relationships has her reasons, too (the reasons aren't always fully conscious). This woman has difficulty distinguishing between love, caring affection, and human warmth on the one hand, and sexual behavior on the other. She tends to equate the two and believe that in order to get care, warmth, etc., she has to be sexual. She usually finds men who are happy to manipulate her confusion in this area. Sometimes victims will vacillate between these two extremes. Neither extreme brings them what they need, and both can be frustrating and threatening to the spouses. The man in this kind of relationship needs to be supportive of his wife's struggle with her sexuality, while at the same time finding ways to sublimate his own sexual needs. Exercise and masturbation are two ways to gain some relief from sexual tension. Some men think they can't exist without sex from a woman. This, of course, is a myth. If you are one of those men who have fallen prey to this myth, you might want to have a few visits with a qualified therapist to explore this type of thinking. What you learn could be helpful to you and might keep you from putting unrealistic expectations on your wife to take care of your sexual needs. Many men in our culture tend to equate closeness with sex. They don't know how to be nurturing and physically close without expecting sex. Such men place undue burdens on their wives. When the wife needs the nurturing and closeness, but not the sex, she is faced with a difficult decision. Either she risks offending her significant other when she accepts the closeness and refuses the sex, or she betrays herself by giving sex in order to have any form of affection. If this woman happens to be a former sexual abuse victim, this scenario is probably a reproduction of her dilemma as a child. The sexual part of your relationship with your wife may be the most difficult for you to handle. You can help yourself and her by using this time as an opportunity for you to grow in your awareness of yourself and the area of human sexuality. You will find some helpful references on maleness in the reading list at the end of this pamphlet. You Are a Part of What's Going On If you have read this far, you have no doubt become aware that I view your wife's abuse as not just her problem, but something the two of you share. Your acceptance or rejection of this premise will play an important part in your relationship with her and in her resolving her pain from the past. Most sexual abuse victims live with a sense of isolation. At first it is the secret they must keep that forces them into a private world. Then, if they tell their secret, they are often made to feel that they are different, even contaminated, for what has happened to them. For you to take the attitude that it is "her problem" alone reinforces this feeling of isolation. In the introduction of this booklet, I proposed that at some level you probably "knew" that your wife was a victim of sexual abuse. Let me explain what I meant by that. I'm not talking necessarily about conscious, verifiable knowledge. Perhaps "sense" would be a better word. Because none of us grows to adulthood having achieved all our development tasks, we each bring that "unfinished business" I mentioned earlier into our relationships. We are usually unaware of this process going on inside of us. Part of our attraction to other people and/or situations is that we "sense" in them an opportunity to "finish" the learning and growth tasks we didn't finish at home with our parents. We usually don't have words to describe this attraction, which may indicate that the process is not fully conscious. It is nonetheless strong, however. An honest question might be "Why would I be drawn to someone who was abused as a child?" There is no single answer to this question. There are several possibilities to explore. Perhaps you, too, in some way experienced abuse when you were young and you sensed, "Here is a person who will understand." It may be that you were not a victim, but that someone in your childhood was, i.e., your sister, a friend, even your mother. Helping your wife through her abuse pain may be a way to make up for not being able to resolve the pain of that person in your childhood. Another possibility is that as a child you may have been shy around women. Part of your attraction to your spouse may have been that because of her abuse you sensed she wouldn't be threatening or domineering. The possible combinations of attractions are endless when you get down to specifics. In general, however, the unfinished business people bring from their childhood plays an important part in how they pick a mate. I urge you to be willing to explore your part in this attraction process. It may be that you will want to see a therapist yourself for guidance along these lines. This doesn't mean you are pathological. View it as an opportunity for growth both as a person and in your relationships. At some point in time your wife's therapist may recommend marital or relationship therapy. I hope you will be willing to participate. There is Always Hope People can and do change. Even though having been sexually abused as a child is one of the most difficult traumas a person has to resolve, many women (and men) do overcome the pain and find fulfillment in life. When you live with a person who is in the process of overcoming the pain, you become a part of that drama. While you are not responsible for your partner's past, you are responsible for your part in the relationship that exists today. You can be part of the resolution of your loved one's pain instead of part of its perpetration. And she can help you grow, too. I wish you well as you grow together. Copyright, Incest Recovery Association, 1986.

If possible, try not to bathe, shower, douche, or use the toilet before getting to the hospital. Because evidence of the assault and the perpetrator’s identity (hair, seminal fluids, bits of skin, etc.) may be left on your body, it is important to try and preserve these. If you were assaulted orally, avoid drinking, eating or brushing your teeth prior to the exam. Keep in mind that your well-being is our first priority, and if you need to do (or have already done) one of these things to feel better, there is still a chance to collect evidence afterwards. Also, if possible, don’t change your clothes before going to the hospital. If you must change clothes, place the items that were worn at the time of the attack in a paper bag (not plastic) and take them with you to the hospital. Having physical evidence collected can strengthen a case if you decide to pursue legal action.

For individuals over the age of 18, who arrive in the 96 hour window, the police can be involved at your request, but please note that there is a Non-Report option. This option does not involve the police in any way; they will not be notified. Victims who choose this option are able to complete the medical exam and the forensic evidence exam with a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. The potential evidence collected in the forensic evidence exam will be stored for 2 years, in case the victim decides to make a corresponding police report. For minors (anyone younger than 18) who have been sexually assaulted, the incident MUST be reported to law enforcement under Texas’ mandatory reporting laws. If you are a survivor who is under 18, over 60, or disabled, it is important to understand the hospital’s mandated reporting requirements. Please call the hotline (800) 793-7273 to find out more.

First, emergency room staff may ask you a few questions about why you are visiting the ER to determine what kind of injuries you may have and whether you want a forensic exam performed. Any physical injuries will be treated in the ER before a forensic exam is started. Sexual assault survivors enter through the emergency room but have a separate waiting area and exam room. A survivor may bring a friend or family to the hospital for support. A forensic exam (sometimes referred to as a “rape kit” or “rape exam”) is a careful procedure performed by a specially trained Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE nurse) that has the potential to collect DNA and other evidence in a way that may be used in court if you choose to prosecute. If you decide to have a forensic exam (and it’s completely up to you), the SANE nurse or other medical professional will be called to perform the exam. Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners are specifically trained to collect evidence, check for injuries, and deal with the possibility of pregnancy and exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. A Crisis Center of Southeast Texas Advocate will also be present to offer emotional support and discuss resources. Remember, you have the right to refuse any medical treatment, including the forensic exam, when you go to the hospital. Also keep in mind that, if the assault occurred weeks or months before, medical attention is still important. We encourage you to see your general practitioner or other medical professional for a wellness check, pregnancy tests, testing for sexually transmitted infections and HIV, or anything else you may need.

Sexual assault can change your feelings about yourself and those around you. You may not feel the way you did before the assault—physically, emotionally, socially, or sexually. Counseling can help you work through the normal traumatic responses following an assault and can be an important part in a person’s healing process. The Crisis Center of Southeast Texas will help you find counselors who are trained to work with survivors of sexual violence. They provide a safe and compassionate environment where a survivor and their loved ones can find unique ways to heal from the assault.

WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE? Child sexual abuse is the exploitation of a child or adolescent under the age of 17 by an adult (or another child at least two years older than the victim) for the purpose of the offender's own sexual gratification. Child or adolescent sexual abuse can be physical or non-physical. Non-physical sexual abuse includes: Exhibitionism (indecent exposure) Voyeurism (peeping in doors/windows) Child Pornography Physical sexual abuse of a child or adolescent can be non-violent or violent and includes: Fondling of a child's genitals Non-violent Sexual Intercourse Incest Violent acts, such as rape HOW CAN YOU HELP? It is your legal responsibility to report suspected cases to a Child Protective Services at 1-800-252-5400. You do not have to prove the abuse, only report and initiate an investigation. You do not have to give your name. Be aware that child sexual abuse is not an isolated problem. It can happen to any child regardless of age, race, sex, or socioeconomic class. Be aware that 85% of all reported child sexual abuse cases are committed by relatives or close friends of the victim's family. Don't wait to talk to your child about "bad touches". By the age of 10, one in four girls and one in five boys will have been sexually molested. Teach children assertiveness and that adults are not always right. Teach children the names of the parts of the body and which parts are private. Protecting Our Children WHO MOLESTS CHILDREN? Child molesters come from all socioeconomic classes. Many are respected citizens in their community. According to most studies, offenders start molesting children before they are 30 years old; therefore, it is not just the "dirty old man" that your child should be cautious of. WHO ARE THE VICTIMS? Most experts agree that boys and girls have an equal chance of being sexually abused, although some children are more likely to become victims than others. A child who is easily controlled by adults is an easy target. Most molesters are known and trusted by their victims and use threats or rewards,not violence, to manipulate children into cooperating. WHY DO INDIVIDUALS MOLEST CHILDREN? There is no simple reason to explain why some adults sexually abuse children. Through studies of known molesters, researchers have uncovered some characteristics common to many offenders. According to a study done by Dr. Nicholas Groth, at least 80% of sexual offenders were sexually abused or exposed to sexual abuse of other family members when they were children. It is rare that a molester will stop after one victim or one incident. Many molesters are responsible for abusing large numbers of children. Some studies show averages between 50 and 100 victims per offender. Many sexual offenders were under the influence of alcohol/drugs at the time the offense was committed. Very few offenders (less than 5%) are diagnosed as being mentally challenged or psychotic. Many child abusers have trouble dealing with other adults. Some offenders have never had a "normal" male/female relationship, even though they may be married. WHAT IF YOUR CHILD IS MOLESTED? If a child tells you that he/she had been molested, believe him/her. A child rarely lies about being molested. If a child tells you that he/she has been molested, control your temper. Reassure the child that you are not angry at him/her. They are probably already dealing with guilt feelings, especially if the offender is a relative or close family friend. Do not blame the child for what happened. Cooperation is not the same as consent. A child doesn't have the mental capacity to consent to sexual interactions. Fear can keep a child from telling someone for a long time. Keep the lines of communication open. Encourage your children to ask questions and talk about problems. BAD TOUCHES Sometimes, good touches, like hugs, can feel bad. If someone wants to touch you in a way you don't like, scream NO! Some adults don't know they shouldn't touch children on their private parts. Adults that touch children on their private parts need help. Not all adults touch children in a bad way. If someone touches you in a way you don't like, don't be afraid to tell someone. The person you tell can stop the bad touches from happening. If that person doesn't listen to you, tell another person until someone listens to you. MOST IMPORTANTLY! Contact our Crisis Center of Southeast Texas or a rape crisis center near you for support services for you and your child.

The following signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. The risk of suicide is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss, or change. If you or someone you know exhibits any of these signs, seek help as soon as possible by calling the Hotline at 1-800-793-2273 (7WE-CARE). Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself. Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun. Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live. Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain. Talking about being a burden to others. Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs. Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly. Sleeping too little or too much. Withdrawing or feeling isolated. Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge. Displaying extreme mood swings.

It can be scary when a friend or loved one is thinking about suicide. Let us help. If someone you know has any warning signs we encourage you to call 1-800-7WE-CARE (793-2273) so that you can find out what resources are available in your area. The Crisis Center of Southeast Texas will help with resources such as counseling or in-patient treatment centers for your friend or family member. Most importantly, please encourage them to call the Hotline. How To Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Talking About Suicide Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide. Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings. Be non-judgmental. Don't debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don't lecture on the value of life. Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support. Don't dare him or her to do it. Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you. Don't be sworn to secrecy. Seek support. Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance. Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills. Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. Be Aware of Feelings Many people at some time in their lives think about suicide. Most decide to live because they eventually come to realize that the crisis is temporary and death is permanent. On the other hand, people having a crisis sometimes perceive their dilemma as inescapable and feel an utter loss of control. These are some of the feelings and thoughts they experience: Can't stop the pain Can't think clearly Can't make decisions Can't see any way out Can't sleep, eat or work Can't get out of depression Can't make the sadness go away Can't see a future without pain Can't see themselves as worthwhile Can't get someone's attention Can't seem to get control ​ If you experience these feelings, get help! If someone you know exhibits these symptoms, offer help!